The last time I saw Alex was after I got back from Taiwan and he came over to 'talk'. I remember the feeling so clearly - the inability to breathe, the anxiety, the fear. Fear of what I don't know. Maybe it was fear of hurting him or myself further, just from seeing each other.
During that time we met, it was really awkward and I had nothing to say. Mostly because I was in the wrong and I was the one who couldn't defend my behaviour.
I think it's been about 3 months later and we met again at a family friends' dinner. When my mum gave me the heads up he was there, I was feeling sick(maybe it was also cos I ate lunch late but who knows) and butterflies were going everywhere in my tummy. I don't even know why I was so nervous. I guess I didn't know what I was going to say or how I was going to act and more importantly, I was caught off guard (despite the irony of being warned).
So I ended up sitting next to him and it still hurt. I ended up having tears in my eyes and had to go to the bathroom to clear them up. Everyone at the table could sense the awkwardness and that certainly didn't help the situation.
I was hurt because he was so cold towards me. Not that he can be blamed and in fact, he still has a right to do so. But nonetheless it still hurt because of what we had and what it meant. He's still the best guy out there and even though I don't want to be with him, I'd still like it if we were friends but honestly, I don't think that will be possible for the next year or so. Even if we did meet up again, it's still going to be hard because there's all this history and shared jokes that we once had but can no longer make.
Maybe one day we will be friends.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
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