A lot has changed since - I've got a new boy who's caused me a lot of grief but not in the way that you'd think. The trouble is I wanted to protect myself and stay single for a while but may have been 'convinced' to go into a relationship.
This relationship was a bit unsteady at the start because I wasn't sure. And after a month I wanted to break up because I didn't know if I was in it because I enjoyed his company or if I actually wanted to be in a relationship with him.
After 2 months things were a bit clearer and we ended up going overseas together and spent a week together non stop! You'd think I'd go crazy or need space or something but it was actually pretty good.
Right now I'm feeling kind of vulnerable because I think part of me knows that I like him more than I'd like to admit. Every time we have a little tiff or something I feel like giving up and being single and I remember being really happy back then. Whereas when you're in a relationship, you have to think about your actions and how it affects the other person and they're constantly on your mind. Fine, I bring that upon myself. I guess it's good when you have other stuff going for you and it's much healthier because to put all your efforts into a relationship can be quite draining. That's why my previous blog posts were so emo - because I had nothing else going for me but had put all my efforts into the relationship so that became my whole life.
I made a promise to myself that it'll never happen again and yet sometimes I feel like I may fall into that trap with this relationship. One has to be happy by themselves before they can be with another person. Right now, I know I need to be around people to be happy (although I do find comfort in books) but do I need to be around my partner to be happy?
It's terrible when you put your happiness in someone else's hands and you shouldn't. No one should ever control your happiness or have a say in it. You should be happy doing what you do and don't change it for anyone.
Part of me feels like I have changed and am becoming more 'domesticated'. This often changes with the other side of me that wants to be single and free and not have a care in the world. There's a book I read recently called 'The little Prince' and one of the chapters that stood out was about this fox who got tamed. Once it was tamed, it felt like it belonged to the prince and then it was sad when the prince had to leave. That's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. You get so used to someone being around and then when you realise they won't be there anymore - it hits you and you can get quite sad about it.
The other trouble with relationships is the 'honeymoon' periods. I guess this is the part where you're crazy about the other person and want to spend as much time with them as possible. To be honest I never had that but I know my partner did. Having said that, I'm feeling the dynamics are changing and he's not as crazy as before. The reason is probably because he knows he has me so he doesn't have to play any of these games. For me, I always like having attention and it feels like the novelty has kind of worn off. Because he's not as crazy about me as before I'm feeling vulnerable because I think he should be and then I refuse to let myself get caught in the trap of letting someone into your life. Right now, I'm feeling like I shouldn't be trying anymore and I don't really want to plan anything else with him either. This relationship is always having its moods with me but I don't think he ever knows how I feel. Or the extremes I feel about our relationship.
I think I am very insecure although I really shouldn't be so I'd like to keep my distance from him ....again...it'll probably change tomorrow though after I talk to him or something.
But I honestly don't think I can give my heart up which is why I still haven't said 'I LOVE YOU'.