New boyfriends...

It's always interesting when you start a new relationship because you have to develop a whole new set of protocols with each other. This includes what you usually do spending time together to how often you call/email which can be extremely frustrating especially when you're treading on the water so carefully.

Take for example my current new relationship. There's been times when I feel like he can't keep his word and in addition to that concern, the people who don't know him often ask me what he's done for me suggesting that our relationship is not 50/50. Right now, I honestly don't feel like it is because apart from the day when we started where he showed me that he wanted me, he has not done a romantic gesture since. Perhaps it is his nature and inability to show affection so maybe I shouldn't hold it against him but at the same time, it's extremely frustrating for me because I feel like I can't be completely honest with how I feel for fear of scaring him off. Which is absolutely ridiculous seeing as he is supposed to be my boyfriend but because he doesn't usually express his emotions to me, I feel like I cannot do the same. Eventually this wall has to break down otherwise I cannot see how a proper relationship would have the space to form.

Back to the examples, there was once when we were supposed to meet up for dinner but because of work commitments, our date was cancelled. This I can accept even though I was looking forward to it and had expectations of meeting up and seeing him. However, because I have my own goals and ambitions, I am willing to accept this.
The second time, it was pretty much along the same lines - but I feel that I always seem to be waiting for him and as a result I feel like I do give too much in the relationship and am the one waiting around.
The third time is right now (which is why I'm writing all my frustrations out) is because he called me today but then he had to go and said that he would call back later. It's now 2:20am where he is (yes, unfortunately it is long distance but why, I don't know perhaps I like him too much) and how much later is later? I suppose 'later' is a discretionary term but it must have its limits especially when it comes to relationships. It is definitely an expection in addition to a want, which results in disappointment. Yes, he did not specify a time and I myself assumed that he would call before the night ended. At the same time, this shows how the two parties are on different wavelengths but in my case, I'm too timid to clarify it. I know eventually I will crack and end up telling him exactly how I feel and what's on my mind and what I expect from a relationship. There's that word again 'expect'. This is where all the problems in a relationship stem from because both parties have expectations on the other one.

To wrap this up - I think he's probably fallen asleep and my main concern is that I do not have a valuable enough place in his heart because he would be thinking of me and would call me before he went to sleep. On the other hand there may be excuses and I'm not defending him but they are possibilities. He said that he doesn't think of me too much because then he'll miss me more and this whilst sounds like a flimsy line, I can understand because that's the same for me. The other excuse is that he is being considerate and doesn't want to call too late...which I can also accept because that's the way I feel as well. That's also why I don't like to call him all the time because I fear that I may be disturbing him. I guess in a way, both he and I put his work first...Oh no, this is not a good start to a relationship.


It's now 1 hour later and I managed to get in touch with my boy and it turns out he said he tried contacting me 4 times but he didn't get through. I take his word for it cos I trust him and he has not reason to lie. It sounds like I'm trying to justify and I guess in a way I am because many people around me who don't know him often question him and that is what makes me insecure.

Anyway, I suppose I can go to bed happy now :P Until next time - I'll talk about how it's not good to place one's emotions on other people...and maybe self examine how to avoid it. But obviously, it's not going to be absolutely possible to avoid it because being with people is fundamental in what makes us happy.

xox

13 March 2010 @ 2:22 EST

After a terribly frustrating incident which was essentially my boy going offline without saying goodbye or anything, I had a good heart to heart with my friend who told me to talk to him about the problem. Yes, it's the same one as above and it's because I'm too goddam considerate and concerned that he'll be annoyed. At the same time there is a part of me that must be insecure if I'm unable to be completely honest with him so when I get back this Sunday, we're already going to have a good discussion about our relationship, but this will definitely get a mention. I need to grow some balls so to speak and tell him honestly how I feel because he loves and cares for me like I know he does, it won't be a big deal for him to call me from time to time because at the end of the day, I'm not really asking for anything unreasonable. This is what all typical girls who miss their boyfriends would want. The whole problem with this relationship so far is that even before we started going out, but were at the unsure faze, I'd be careful about what I'd do - trying to act the cool, relaxed girlfriend. But this has taken it's toll and I can't even be angry at him about it because I have failed to make it clear exactly how I feel about his lack of communication with me. I have mentioned it a couple of times in passing and using words like 'wish you would call more often' but nothing concrete and definitely nothing to suggest that I am severely frustrated with him.

Two more days to go before the showdown. The guy always has to work harder to keep the girl - because guys like a challenge and if we give in too easy, what else do they have to look forward to and work towards?

xox