New Relationships

Wow. So its been a long while since I posted anything up.

A lot has changed since - I've got a new boy who's caused me a lot of grief but not in the way that you'd think. The trouble is I wanted to protect myself and stay single for a while but may have been 'convinced' to go into a relationship.

This relationship was a bit unsteady at the start because I wasn't sure. And after a month I wanted to break up because I didn't know if I was in it because I enjoyed his company or if I actually wanted to be in a relationship with him.

After 2 months things were a bit clearer and we ended up going overseas together and spent a week together non stop! You'd think I'd go crazy or need space or something but it was actually pretty good.

Right now I'm feeling kind of vulnerable because I think part of me knows that I like him more than I'd like to admit. Every time we have a little tiff or something I feel like giving up and being single and I remember being really happy back then. Whereas when you're in a relationship, you have to think about your actions and how it affects the other person and they're constantly on your mind. Fine, I bring that upon myself. I guess it's good when you have other stuff going for you and it's much healthier because to put all your efforts into a relationship can be quite draining. That's why my previous blog posts were so emo - because I had nothing else going for me but had put all my efforts into the relationship so that became my whole life.

I made a promise to myself that it'll never happen again and yet sometimes I feel like I may fall into that trap with this relationship. One has to be happy by themselves before they can be with another person. Right now, I know I need to be around people to be happy (although I do find comfort in books) but do I need to be around my partner to be happy?

It's terrible when you put your happiness in someone else's hands and you shouldn't. No one should ever control your happiness or have a say in it. You should be happy doing what you do and don't change it for anyone.

Part of me feels like I have changed and am becoming more 'domesticated'. This often changes with the other side of me that wants to be single and free and not have a care in the world. There's a book I read recently called 'The little Prince' and one of the chapters that stood out was about this fox who got tamed. Once it was tamed, it felt like it belonged to the prince and then it was sad when the prince had to leave. That's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. You get so used to someone being around and then when you realise they won't be there anymore - it hits you and you can get quite sad about it.

The other trouble with relationships is the 'honeymoon' periods. I guess this is the part where you're crazy about the other person and want to spend as much time with them as possible. To be honest I never had that but I know my partner did. Having said that, I'm feeling the dynamics are changing and he's not as crazy as before. The reason is probably because he knows he has me so he doesn't have to play any of these games. For me, I always like having attention and it feels like the novelty has kind of worn off. Because he's not as crazy about me as before I'm feeling vulnerable because I think he should be and then I refuse to let myself get caught in the trap of letting someone into your life. Right now, I'm feeling like I shouldn't be trying anymore and I don't really want to plan anything else with him either. This relationship is always having its moods with me but I don't think he ever knows how I feel. Or the extremes I feel about our relationship.

I think I am very insecure although I really shouldn't be so I'd like to keep my distance from him ....again...it'll probably change tomorrow though after I talk to him or something.

But I honestly don't think I can give my heart up which is why I still haven't said 'I LOVE YOU'.

Meeting your ex for the first time after the breakup

The last time I saw Alex was after I got back from Taiwan and he came over to 'talk'. I remember the feeling so clearly - the inability to breathe, the anxiety, the fear. Fear of what I don't know. Maybe it was fear of hurting him or myself further, just from seeing each other.

During that time we met, it was really awkward and I had nothing to say. Mostly because I was in the wrong and I was the one who couldn't defend my behaviour.

I think it's been about 3 months later and we met again at a family friends' dinner. When my mum gave me the heads up he was there, I was feeling sick(maybe it was also cos I ate lunch late but who knows) and butterflies were going everywhere in my tummy. I don't even know why I was so nervous. I guess I didn't know what I was going to say or how I was going to act and more importantly, I was caught off guard (despite the irony of being warned).

So I ended up sitting next to him and it still hurt. I ended up having tears in my eyes and had to go to the bathroom to clear them up. Everyone at the table could sense the awkwardness and that certainly didn't help the situation.

I was hurt because he was so cold towards me. Not that he can be blamed and in fact, he still has a right to do so. But nonetheless it still hurt because of what we had and what it meant. He's still the best guy out there and even though I don't want to be with him, I'd still like it if we were friends but honestly, I don't think that will be possible for the next year or so. Even if we did meet up again, it's still going to be hard because there's all this history and shared jokes that we once had but can no longer make.

Maybe one day we will be friends.

Guys and space

Okay, I know guys need their space and bla bla bla but I really don't mean to rage. Well, not obsessively anyway. So as you probably know I'm dating this guy and his name starts with P. And there's all these issues about us going long distance and the other day we finally spoke about it and we are going to be breaking up when he leaves the country. So I was upset that day and every day after that, whenever I thought about it and would cry a lot.

So I was over at his place last night and left today and spoke to him on the phone a couple of hours later and made sure he had dinner ( I know right, I'm too much of a good housewife/girlfriend) and damn, I do treat him too good. When I spoke to him, I told him how much I missed him and every time our conversation goes the same way with him saying 'already? But it's only been a couple of hours'. Obviously, this is not the way to win a girl's heart but at least he's honest.

After that though, I have to say I miss him significantly less and am not at all bothered that I won't be speaking to him tomorrow. And to be honest, I don't really care about whether or not he goes hungry now either - if he doesn't want me to care so much about him I won't. So on the one hand, I'm glad that he feels that way because it's going to make the separation way easier I think and at least now, I'm not going to sacrifice anymore activities of mine, just to make time for him and for me to see him. I realise now that although it probably wasn't stupid of me...oh I lie, it probably was, but at least this way we're more on equal terms and so glad that he's making me miss him less.

Another reason why he's so goddam lucky to have me - I've been preparing his meals and cooking for him A LOT. And driving all the way to his place which is about 1.5hours drive and buying all these groceries and creating care packages for him to snack on when he works late - omg...I seriously would be such a great wife. Not that I'm saying 'Fuck that' but I kinda am. If there's one thing I've learnt in the past hour is that girls should not EVER sacrifice themselves and their time for the one boy - no matter how great or amazing you think they are. Because boys have lives beyond relationships (mainly work but also friends), girls should too otherwise I think that's how the whole thing ends up not 50/50. And so, my next steps is to just chill about our relationship and won't call him etc. I say that now and I truly mean it because I'm not missing him and am kind of annoyed that it was so one sided before but at least this way, I think he'll end up missing me and then the world will be back at its equilibrium.

xox

LDR - what to do from here

I've saw my boyfriend finally after 5 weeks and in case I didn't mention it, we'd been together officially for only a week even though prior to that, it was ambiguous and always something going on there. And he got to meet my parents *drumroll* because so much has happened with my parents that they even flew overseas to get me back.

My mum was a bit o f bitch (mind my language) and cold so I was very ashamed of her. My boyfriend, let's call him Jeff, he's a great guy and is really so smart and good with parents. He was really understanding of the situation so that made it easier (but still massively awkward). Luckily, my dad is also really understanding and rational and made friendly conversation.

Right now, well, since yesterday, I've been crying so much everytime I think of him. It's not that there's anything wrong with him (omg I'm crying now) but it's the fact that we can't be together right now. I say 'right now' with the meaning of the next couple of months because he will have to go back overseas for work and I have to stay here (yes, mostly because of my parents and because I really have nothing to do and they won't let me do a crappy job overseas).

I want more than anything to be with him and after seeing him yesterday after being apart for so long solidified my feelings for him - I used to think not long ago that I was falling in love but I never thought that before I knew it, I had fallen in love. I know for certain that I am in love with him and it hurts more than anything because of the knowledge of what will happen in a couple of months and the unknown of our relationship. Some long distance do work because they'd already established a base and depending on the type of person they are. Both me and and my partner have a similar need in that we need the person to be physically there. He said to me a couple of weeks ago when I told him that I couldn't come back, that he doesn't long distance because firstly he's the one who always gets owned and also, because I won't be there, he may have to resist temptation and is also worried that I might also fall for someone else. Which is essentially the same thing that both of us will find a need to be with someone who is in the same city. Emotional as well as physical is important in a relationship and we both understand that but that doesn't make it easier.

Right now, I've been listening to a song that sums up this situation perfectly about long distance. And on the one hand it would have been easier if we had stopped or hadn't even started the relationship but on the other, we wouldn't have been able to spend such happy times together. But at the end of the day, we'll still be suffering. In my mind, I do want to be with him and anywhere he goes but I know that this is an ignorant and simplistic want because I also have a future and career of my own that I need to work on. Currently, I keep preparing myself for seperating when he goes back and just thinking about it makes me hurt so much. But at least this way, when it happens, it won't be as bad...I think, I hope. If we seperate from each other on happy terms then at least there is still potential for the future and I honestly see one where we'd both be so happy together. I guess that is why I think I will have to be brave and not do long distance because of the possibility that we may still be together in the future.

Which is the best thing to do for everyone? One argument is that when you find someone who is so perfect for you, you do everything in your power to keep them with you and fight for them and the relationship. This is also a very impractical and fairytale view on love which is what you see in movies as they always dramatize love to be so epic and the only thing that people need. I like to think that way, but the other part of me is also worried about being hurt (I don't understand how that could possibly be more painful than this feeling I have right now). So maybe its better like I said before, to leave on happy terms and sacrifice short term happiness (which isn't really happiness anyway because we can't be together) for the possibility of something more solid. At least this way, there would be no pressure which would otherwise be a big strain on the relationship - both expecting it to work out. Time is the factor that will tell all and it's just a matter of being patient. But if patience was that easy it wouldn't be a virtue.

God, I've never prayed so much for strength for me to let him go at the end and also, with the selfish wish of the possibility that we will be together. I guess time will tell and even though my heart and soul are tearing up into a million pieces, I have to put up a image for my family and him to allay their worries.

Not wearing pyjamas lacking self confidence??

They say that going on exchange is a life changing event and that sometimes, it changes you. From my own experience I have to say that it did but also that change is not necessarily a bad thing and could be for the better.

The problem I have now is that after my fun overseas, I realised that I don't care much for brands anymore and am a much happier person for it. There are much more important things in life than superficial material goods and at the end of the day, it is only temporary happiness.

Of course, the want to buy luxury goods is not quite the point I'm getting at. I'm wearing a lot more jeans and shirts and boots and my mother seems to think that I lack self confidence and tells me that I need to get it back. Firstly, wtf. She gathers all this just because I don't bring pyjamas along and sleep in the shirt that I bring (which I do wear on the outside sometimes) and says this is a sign of not valuing yourself. Honestly, I was thinking about the lines of practicality and how I didn't want to bring much luggage and it's not that bad sleeping in a shirt. After all, the worst thing is that you'd probably stink from it but that's it.

The frustrating part is that she seems to think that all this lack of self confidence happened after my trip on exchange when I would wear tops to bed and wear them the next day anyway. She probably just never took much notice and also, is maybe attacking every small detail to further support her argument that I've changed as a person and that it's such a bad thing.

How ironic it is that the only reason that I would lack self confidence is when she says things like that and tells me that I'm not as bright and shiny as I used to be and that I'm losing my flair. Then she goes on to brag about how stunning she was and how everyone wanted to hire her after a first meeting without even asking for her qualifications. Ok, yes I am ranting a bit but this just happened half an hour ago so I do have lots of resentment in me right now.

Of course they're not going to bother asking for qualifications if you haven't even had a proper education! Ok, sorry, now I am bitching. But the point I'm making is that she sees what she wants to see and twists things as all people do, to satisfy her views.

Conclusion - just because I may wear the same top out and to bed (and once I wear it to bed, I try not to wear it out again anyway) does not mean that I value myself less. It just means that she is reading too much into it and what she thinks about the situation is not necessarily the case.

xox

Enjoying life

What really makes you happy?

I read in article somewhere the best way to avoid depression is to surround yourself with people you love and make you happy. That is more effective that making lots and lots of money because as we all know the cliche phrase - money cannot buy happinesss. However, countless writers have argued on that point to suggest that it can be - to an extent.

After being overseas I realised that I am very easily satisfied and really do enjoy the simple things in life. Before, I used to want a Chanel bag and planned to get it with my first million. However, after spending time with people whose company I really enjoy and doing things that I love (which is no longer just shopping) but just chatting, knitting and singing, I realise that whilst you do need money, you don't need an endless amount to make you happy.

Right now I think I am feeling a tad unhappy (yes possibily because I was disappointed and yes, it may possibily because of a boy as you can see from my post - new boyfriends) so I am thinking of things that make me happy. I'm going to try and list ten things that make me happy and I think this is important for anyone who is feeling a bit down and want to cheer themselves up. It might not work right away but it is a way to show that you have other things to look forward to in life and whenever you do reach a bump in the road, it doesn't mean it's the end. It just means you need some time to think of a strategy to walk around it or get over it - literally.

1. Reading. This takes the mind elsewhere as well as pevents one from getting dementia.

2. Playing with pets. This may sound childish and simple but they are innocent creatures (even though snakes and spiders are a bit scary but as long as they cheer you up...) and sometimes it's good to be like them and not think too much about things.

3. Chatting with friends. This is the best psychologist one could ask for. Well, it does depend on what kind of friends as in, they can't be drainer friends. But I guess if they really are genuine friends then you do hang out with them because they make you feel good about yourself. So say goodbye to those assholes who try and compete and put you down - that's not a very nice friend.

4. Cleaning. Despite how absurd it sounds, its actually very soothing because it feels like you're being productive and you can see the end product of the room or whatever being neat at the end of the labour. It's an immediate visual accomplishment.

5. Eat. No I'm just kidding. I think it's the worse thing you can do because the more you eat, the fatter you'll become and then you'll just get more depressed about your appearance the it'll just be a cycle that will continue. Instead, exercise is a great way to release frustatration. The other pluses is that you get to lose weight and get fit and have a good nights sleep at the end of it.

6. Movies - just like books they are a way to get your mind off things. Although the choice of movies are important and if you're feeling heartbroken, it's probably best that you don't watch a romance movie - unless you're happy to wallow in sorrow. Which is just pathetic so move on and watch something with war.

7. Creating something. For me anyway, I'd like to create this epic dessert/coffee shop one day which will hopefully be internationally franchised. At the same time, I'm an extremely lazy person which is why I've only been talking about it for years and have done nothing. I really do want to do this which means lots of work - like business plans, past historic data which is probably market sensitive and therefore hard to get your hands on, more research and building up on ideas (which is my current status). But broadly speaking, it's doing something that you are interested in doing which is productive and fulfilling.

8. Dancing. Perhaps it's because I'm so unco that I forget about my troubles and focus on not hitting anyone or falling over. But this hobby, in addition to music (depends on the mood) is a great way to forget about why you were worrying about something so petty and small.

9. Bike riding somewhere pretty - like full of greenery and flowers. I recently discovered that firstly I can ride a bike (because I've only ever ridden tricycles and yes, I'm 23) and that I really enjoy riding it in pretty areas because it's truly so relaxing and refreshing.

10. Be with the one you love. I suppose this would be the obvious one but it's hard to think of it especially if it them that are causing you distress. So perhaps this would better fit under the category of chatting with friends but right now I can't think of what else that makes me truly happy so I'll have to leave it at that. Shopping is good but it's not maintainable because at the end of the day, it's just material goods and is only skin deep.

Ok, I did think of an 11. Making yourself look good. I know it sounds vain and in a way, I guess it is. But if you dress up and think that you look good then this confidence will shine through - especially when you go out and meet people. So making yourself feel beautiful not necessarily meaning for it to be skin deep but if you feel beautiful on the inside, that is what is most important.

So what makes me happy? It would be #10 but because I can't have that and it is time for bed what would really make me happy right now would be to fall asleep and wake up tomorrow and remember it's a brand new day with no worries.

xox

New boyfriends...

It's always interesting when you start a new relationship because you have to develop a whole new set of protocols with each other. This includes what you usually do spending time together to how often you call/email which can be extremely frustrating especially when you're treading on the water so carefully.

Take for example my current new relationship. There's been times when I feel like he can't keep his word and in addition to that concern, the people who don't know him often ask me what he's done for me suggesting that our relationship is not 50/50. Right now, I honestly don't feel like it is because apart from the day when we started where he showed me that he wanted me, he has not done a romantic gesture since. Perhaps it is his nature and inability to show affection so maybe I shouldn't hold it against him but at the same time, it's extremely frustrating for me because I feel like I can't be completely honest with how I feel for fear of scaring him off. Which is absolutely ridiculous seeing as he is supposed to be my boyfriend but because he doesn't usually express his emotions to me, I feel like I cannot do the same. Eventually this wall has to break down otherwise I cannot see how a proper relationship would have the space to form.

Back to the examples, there was once when we were supposed to meet up for dinner but because of work commitments, our date was cancelled. This I can accept even though I was looking forward to it and had expectations of meeting up and seeing him. However, because I have my own goals and ambitions, I am willing to accept this.
The second time, it was pretty much along the same lines - but I feel that I always seem to be waiting for him and as a result I feel like I do give too much in the relationship and am the one waiting around.
The third time is right now (which is why I'm writing all my frustrations out) is because he called me today but then he had to go and said that he would call back later. It's now 2:20am where he is (yes, unfortunately it is long distance but why, I don't know perhaps I like him too much) and how much later is later? I suppose 'later' is a discretionary term but it must have its limits especially when it comes to relationships. It is definitely an expection in addition to a want, which results in disappointment. Yes, he did not specify a time and I myself assumed that he would call before the night ended. At the same time, this shows how the two parties are on different wavelengths but in my case, I'm too timid to clarify it. I know eventually I will crack and end up telling him exactly how I feel and what's on my mind and what I expect from a relationship. There's that word again 'expect'. This is where all the problems in a relationship stem from because both parties have expectations on the other one.

To wrap this up - I think he's probably fallen asleep and my main concern is that I do not have a valuable enough place in his heart because he would be thinking of me and would call me before he went to sleep. On the other hand there may be excuses and I'm not defending him but they are possibilities. He said that he doesn't think of me too much because then he'll miss me more and this whilst sounds like a flimsy line, I can understand because that's the same for me. The other excuse is that he is being considerate and doesn't want to call too late...which I can also accept because that's the way I feel as well. That's also why I don't like to call him all the time because I fear that I may be disturbing him. I guess in a way, both he and I put his work first...Oh no, this is not a good start to a relationship.


It's now 1 hour later and I managed to get in touch with my boy and it turns out he said he tried contacting me 4 times but he didn't get through. I take his word for it cos I trust him and he has not reason to lie. It sounds like I'm trying to justify and I guess in a way I am because many people around me who don't know him often question him and that is what makes me insecure.

Anyway, I suppose I can go to bed happy now :P Until next time - I'll talk about how it's not good to place one's emotions on other people...and maybe self examine how to avoid it. But obviously, it's not going to be absolutely possible to avoid it because being with people is fundamental in what makes us happy.

xox

13 March 2010 @ 2:22 EST

After a terribly frustrating incident which was essentially my boy going offline without saying goodbye or anything, I had a good heart to heart with my friend who told me to talk to him about the problem. Yes, it's the same one as above and it's because I'm too goddam considerate and concerned that he'll be annoyed. At the same time there is a part of me that must be insecure if I'm unable to be completely honest with him so when I get back this Sunday, we're already going to have a good discussion about our relationship, but this will definitely get a mention. I need to grow some balls so to speak and tell him honestly how I feel because he loves and cares for me like I know he does, it won't be a big deal for him to call me from time to time because at the end of the day, I'm not really asking for anything unreasonable. This is what all typical girls who miss their boyfriends would want. The whole problem with this relationship so far is that even before we started going out, but were at the unsure faze, I'd be careful about what I'd do - trying to act the cool, relaxed girlfriend. But this has taken it's toll and I can't even be angry at him about it because I have failed to make it clear exactly how I feel about his lack of communication with me. I have mentioned it a couple of times in passing and using words like 'wish you would call more often' but nothing concrete and definitely nothing to suggest that I am severely frustrated with him.

Two more days to go before the showdown. The guy always has to work harder to keep the girl - because guys like a challenge and if we give in too easy, what else do they have to look forward to and work towards?

xox

Post Break up

It's been over a month since my first break up. Honestly it hasn't been that hard because I haven't been in the same place hence I haven't had to suffer getting used to doing the normal routine things that I used to do with the other person, without the other person. This would be the hardest part because you've integrated them into part of your lives, even part of your family and to have to cut it off, it's almost like going cold turkey. The only way to get over it is #1 Keep yourself busy or #2 Find yourself someone new.



Of course the first is always favourable against the latter for fear of rebounds resulting in more complex relationships.



The other issue to deal with is the family both your partners and yours. With my break up there was only one person who was really supportive. But even then there were still saying the typical safeguarded words like 'Don't do anything rash.' This is always so easy to say but then again words always are a lot easier...no I take that back, breaking up required words and that was so hard to do. But situations are much more easily criticized when others are looking at it from a rational third party perspective. The only annoying thing about this is that at the time when I made my decision, I was rational but everyone seemed to think I was loose cannon and was just running by my hormones - like I was just attracted to another guy which was why I wanted to break up? That was one of the stupidest things I heard. I suppose looking at it from their perspective it did appear to be like that. But for me, someone who was thinking rationally (despite what outside people thought), the break up had nothing to do with another guy, it just so happened that there was. Anyway, the point of this post isn't the relationship per say but it's supposed to discuss how the hell we're meant to deal with our own family when they all love your partner.



The funny thing was that my brother was extremely heart broken (as much as one can be without being homo) and I couldn't believe that he didn't bother to listen to my part at all. He was basically saying that I was doing something irrational and that I was as bad as his pychotic ex, whose situation was so different to this one. But the point he was making was that I was being selfish. Yeh, in a way I guess I was, I wanted to break up. I wanted to wait until I could see him face to face but when I did it then - would that have been fair?



Current big issue - Friends.



You'd think your best of friends would support you no matter what but it feels like I'm copping shit from all angles. Of course on the outside my whole situation sounds so screwed up - in a relationship within a week. This brings up questions of morality and how much you cared about your first partner etc. But if you're not in the situation, its so easy to judge and criticise. I guess friends are like family - they give you shit and criticise because they're just looking at what the outside people would think about the situation and in a way, don't want you to be condemned like that. Although, it honestly feels like one of my best friends Tina, is not really being understanding and is questioning my values as a person.



When I talk to her, I feel like there's also as much pressure talking to her like there is to my mum and I can't really talk honestly with her because no matter what I say, she's judging and criticising. As a result, I don't really want to talk to her about it and actually regret talking to her about my situation. No matter what I say, I can't justify the situation and even if I wanted to, there is no reason for me to because it might not have been the right thing to do. But honestly, it feels right and I'm being honest with myself.



It's especially pointless when people tell you that what you did was harsh and question how much you care about your ex and I guess, just make you doubt yourself as a person. It's like saying 'I don't like the person you're becoming' without using those words but just saying stuff to make you feel really bad.



That's the other issue about life changing events - people question whether or not you've changed as a person. But they say that even before they meet you after the event and just gather your personality from the facts around the situation...which is really frustrating. I suppose the person who is involved in the situation probably don't think they've changed because I sure don't think I've changed but I guess we'll see when I head back to Australia.



Perhaps it's not even that you've changed as a person but that your true self has come out. Even if that's the case, that's not necessarily a bad thing either. I think I've changed in a way - more mature. Ok, maybe I lie about that but honestly, I do think that this whole experience and my trip overseas has given me more of a direction and a purpose in life. I didn't know what I wanted to do and since I'd graduated, I would have had to find a job but I didn't know what I would have wanted to work as. I've always wanted to find a job that I would love (and that would be opening a business) and I have that luxury of not having to work for money. At the same time, because of this privilege I guess my parents think that I need $X amount of money to be happy...and want me to get a good, safe, steady, stable job even if it's boring as hell.



Sorry, that was me being sidetracked. Back to the issue at hand, friends and family - yes, after being with you for so long, like with relationships, expectations develop which results in criticism and harsh words when those expectations are not met. I think a lot of people were hanging on my first relationship especially after being together for so many years, it seemed like the next natural step was that we would be married. In a way, we were probably the fairytale that everyone wanted. Meeting in high school and being together for so long. Honestly I wanted that too and it would have been great if that happened but what's done is done and what's passed is passed so there is no point in reminiscing.



The parents.

What the hell to do here especially when you know them pretty well? I feel like it's rude not to send an email or something but at the same time, I feel like it's weird if I do. "Sorry I broke your son's heart although he's an awesome guy". It's so awkward. Not to mention his other family members and other extended families who have met you.

In my case, I should be at least grateful that I am not that close with any of his family or friends so the break will be at least semi clean.

Back to the parents issue - what is the right thing to do? I suppose when I get back I will have to meet them and update them on my life but probably won't mention anything about the relationship. Because even though you may not be an 'item' with the guy anymore, you'd think especially after 6 years, you'd still be like family to them and they would care for you and help you out if you needed it. And knowing his parents, I know they'd do just that.